Romantic entanglements
by Chris5
Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione are bored one day; they do something about it. A fic that makes fun of a lot of ships - including several of my favs - with cheesy jokes and even cheesier cheese abound.


A fic with a long name which is: the fic that makes fun of a lot of ships with cheesy jokes and even cheesier cheese.

This fic is quite ridiculous, had no plotlines and contains many cheesy jokes. You have been warned: Pure lunacy.

Implied Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Harry/Hermione, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Ginny/Hermione, Ron/Parvati/Padma, Harry/Parvati/Padma . . . Blah, blah, blah.

Chapter one – It starts.

'Hey,' Ron greeted as he took a seat next to Harry, opposite Hermione. Both were sitting in the one table within the Gryffindor common room and were talking animatedly . . . This wasn't an exceptional thing, Harry and Hermione often talked animatedly; though it was usually Hermione doing the talking . . . and it was more often then not nagging or lecturing rather then talking. 'What you talking about?'

'Snape actually,' said Harry.

Ron's mouth dropped; why on earth would they be talking about Snape.

Hermione seemed to read Ron's mind and explained, 'And how we think he's going to be this year's Defence against the Dark Art's teacher.'

'Well,' shrugged Ron, lacking the hindsight to see where this was heading; little did he know it was merely a plot device that could lead to the cheesiest joke on Ff.net. 'At least we wouldn't hate Potions anymore.'

'We'd hate Defence against the Dark Arts instead,' said Harry.

'Well I think he'd make a good Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher,' Hermione defended valiantly; though she hated Snape with a fiery vengeance something deep inside her made her say the words . . . it was as though . . . as though she'd been programmed to be unable to say slurs – grounded or not – about a teacher. 

"_=apply rule 34: Do not insult teacher ... =apply rule 3: Ron and Harry need to do homework,_" she thought. 'Well I think he'd make a good DADA teacher . . . in fact, I want him to be my DADA . . . er, teacher. Oh, and don't you two have to do some homework?'

Both boy's ignored her second remark.

'That's not fair, you can't have Snape as a DADA, you already have a Dada,' said Harry, outraged. 'I don't have a dada or a muma for that matter.'

'Uh huh,' Hermione coughed, looking straight ahead. 'I would like to apologise to everyone reading this fic., for both the cheesy jokes that the writer has us use – and believe me, there's worse coming – and also for the way we seem to be acting "out-of-character."'

Harry jumped up in excitement. 'Hey, I know how we can solve that second problem . . . Ron,' he said giving Ron a nod, 'I think you know what you have to do!'

Ron looked suddenly nervous. 'Er,' He shifted uncomfortably, and begun playing with his collar. 'It's not . . well . . . how do I say this . . . it's not star in a slash fic with the person I most hate, is it?'

'What, ew, no,' said Harry, shuddering at the thought. 'Besides, it's normally me that co-star's in the Draco slash fics.'

'There will be no slash here,' said Hermione in no uncertain terms. 'This is a firm G-rated fic.'

'Firm?' said Ron wiggling his eyebrow's suggestively. 'Firm like your–'

Harry quickly clamped his hand over Ron's mouth to silence him. 'That will be all,' he said then whispered something to the red-head.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. 'This better not be a slash moment.'

'It's not, don't worry, Herm,' murmured Harry before once again whispering something to Ron.

'I don't understand, why would I . . . Oh,' something in Ron clicked; he'd finally caught on. 'Hermione, you stupid bookworm,' he shouted angrily and slammed his fist on the table to emphasis his point. 'You are just so stupid, and I will insult you by saying how – as ridiculous as it sounds, what with you being the most learned amongst us – stupid you are. You stupid bookworm.'

'Oh - no. You - are - so - hurtful - Ron,' Hermione begun, with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm. 'I - don't - know - how - you - can - say . . . I am not reading this. I don't care if it's in my contract, I am not reading it. I'm leaving this two-bob fic: I Quit.'

'Wait,' shouted Harry, his voice laced with desperation. 'This is where you shout back at Ron then, in the heat of the passion, you kiss.'

'I don't think so,' said Hermione. 'I'm going to – for no apparent reason – hook up with Draco Malfoy. You know, the one that keeps calling me a Mudblood-'

Both boys looked perplexed.

'-and whose father follows the man that killed you parents, Harry?'

Harry looked into the air as though thinking really hard. A look of recognition flashed across his face. 'Oh yeah . . . Okay then, bye Hermione. Have fun,' he called to her retreating form; she'd already left nose in the air.

With Hermione gone any chance Ron and Harry had of an interesting plotline involving an angst-ridden love triangle were thrown out the window; the fic had, in short, suffered a knock back. They had nothing else to do save twiddling their thumb – wizard style. This involved a lot of danger – as with all things wizarding – including exploding thumbs. 

'Well, what we going to do now?' said Ron, having survived the thumb twiddling. He look completely dejected, and Harry had a feeling it had something to do with their bushy-haired friend.

Harry shrugged flippantly, getting over his friends pain in an instant. 'Well,' he said, 'we could somehow – magically, of course-' Harry stipulated.

'O, of course,' Ron nodded his agreement.

'-transport ourselves back in time to when my father was part of the Marauders-' He paused for dramatic effect. '-with Peter Pettrigrew – MWPP for short – and brake his legs!'

Ron scratched his head his face scrunching up. 'Whose, your dads?'

'No, Peters.'

Ron considered for a moment – it could save Harry a lot of pain if they stopped Peter, but then again there was always the time travel paradox: If you were sick in the past, could you still eat the offending sandwhich in the future . . . It didn't bare thinking about. 'Nah, I don't feel like it today. Besides, there's too many risks.'

'Okay then,' said Harry, 'why don't we embark on an adventure – most likely one entitled "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" – during which we find out I have a twin sister whom everyone had thought dead; killed when Voldemort attacked?'

'Can't we do that tomorrow?' Ron whined, slumping against the desk. Truth be told, with Hermione going off with Draco he didn't feel up to much.

'Oh, you're just mad 'cause Hermione went off to sleep with Draco.'

Ron turned red to the tips of his ears. 'She did not,' he defended, furiously. 'It's a G-rated fic.'

Harry seemed to run out of ideas. 'Say,' he said suddenly. 'Where's Ginny, I've suddenly decided that I really – deep-down – love her, and have harboured these deep and powerful feelings all along . . . I just didn't realise what they meant until now.'

'Er,' said Ron racking his brain for the answer. Ginny had told him she was going somewhere earlier, but where? 'Oh yeah! She suddenly forgot all about her crush on you – the one she's harboured for years; the one that borderlines on an obsession – and decided she liked Draco Malfoy instead.'

'Draco Malfoy,' said Harry, vaguely. 'Isn't he the one that always insults your – and therefore her – family, whose father nearly got her killed in her second year and also follows the man who killed my parents? Is that the Draco Malfoy you're talking about? Is it? Is that what you're telling me, Ron?'

'Yep.'

'Oh well, hope she has fun,' said Harry with a shrug. 

Ron nodded, 'That's what I said.'

'So, what you wanna do, Ron?' said Harry once again; getting a feeling of deja-vu after doing so. 'So, what you wa-'

'Don't you dare,' snarled Ron drawing his wand and pointing it at no one in particular; certainly not Harry. 'You use that joke and I can, and will kill you. Or, worse yet, use a **Beep** shrinking spell.'

'So, like I was reading from these lines,' said Harry statically, 'So, what you wa . . . Hmm, it's been crossed out. How strange!'

Both Gryffindor's sat down at one of the large tables in the empty common room whilst they thought of something interesting to do. Both sat there for the longest time thinking, and occasionally blurted out a way to pass the time.

Ron suddenly looked up. 'We could always become world famous auror's! Or you could find some sort of super hidden power that makes you almost invincible.'

Harry thought for a seconds and shook his head. 'Nah, I've already done that in-' 

'Warning, warning,' Ron cut in. 'Shameless plug follows.'

'-Dark Marks, Orders and Auror's,' finished Harry as he grinned charmingly revealing a row of milky-white teeth that sparkled like Lockharts. 'Don't forget to go and read that everyone, and remember, reviewing is the currency here at Ff.net.'

'Yeah, send feedback or Ff.net will go down again!' said Ron with a matching Lockhart grin. 'Send feedback and I absolutely guarantee Fanfic.net will not go down again.'

Harry's eyes widened in shock. 'Ron,' he hissed. 'You can't make promises like that,' he muttered. 'Even in my "Super power fics" I can't make those sort of promises. The only time you can make a promise like that is if you were running for Prime minister . . . and that's only because politicians have to lie; it's a stipulation.'

'Ron for prime minister,' said Ginny, sarcastically. 'I can really see it happening.'

'Ginny,' said Harry batting his eyelashes. The Maybeline mascara gave which gave him extra volume due to the super fine, silicon filament delivery system really made his eyes stand out. 'What are you doing here?'

'Well,' Ginny sighed, wishing her eyelashes could be as long as his, 'I caught Draco cheating on me with Hermione.'

'Aww, too bad,' said Harry sliding next to her.

'Hey, no big,' said Ginny looking happier then she should after a break-up. 'I hooked up with Krum. He lured me into his house with sweets . . . But then,' she added sadly. 'He was arrested and sent to Azkaban for sex offences against minors.'

'Aww, too bad,' said Harry sliding next to her.

'I've already warned you about that,' snarled Ron.

.reh ot txen gnidils yrraH dias ',dab oot ,wwA'

'Er . . .That's better.' Ron put his wand back. 'Does this fic have a plot?' he said, suddenly. 'Because it seems *really, really* well thought out.'

'Oh gleban, this sarcasm detector is off the chart.'

'Harry, did you conjure professor Frink?'

'Yeah, sorry,' said Harry turning red as a Weasley. 'I just wanted to help illustrate that you were being sarcastic. When you say your lines in a fic it's sometimes difficult for people to see sarcasm.'

'Well I have a fool proof rule,' said Ron.

'Gonna share it with us?'

'Yeah, when I'm talking, I'm being sarcastic.' Ron frowned as a drum fill accompanied his witty reply. 'Harry, did you just conjure a drummer?'

Harry blushed again, accidentally touching Ginny who also blushed. Ron blushed a few minutes later though he was unsure as to why they were all blushing. 'Yeah, sorry, I just wanted to help illustrate one of the cheesy jokes,' Harry explained, still beetroot red.

Ginny finally stood up. 'Oh, I was supposed to give you this,' she handed Harry a small, fairly plain book. She blushed again when their hands made contact and Ron followed her act, still confused by the blushing.

Harry's eyes scanned the book cover. '"Plotlines for the fic",' he read out loud so everyone would hear. 'Well, that was convenient.' He opened the first page and began to scan through the words. Every now and then his mouth opened to say something but he deicide against it. 'Hmm, say's here I'm supposed to hook up with Ginny. Despite showing no prior interest in her, I fall deeply in love by the end . . . what everyone thought was me paying no attention to her and ignoring the way she stalks me was actually my way of "dealing with my unresolved romantic issues."'

Ginny blushed again, this time Ron just frowned. 

'Hey, works for me,' said the redhead, though which redhead wasn't stipulated in the script. All three though had more then a sneaking suspicion it was Ginny.

'What about me?' Ron asked enthusiastically. 'What happens to me?' With that said he attempted to snatch the book from Harry.

Harry moved just out of range and began to flick through the pages. 'You . . .' he said to delay until he'd found what he was looking for, ' . . .die horribly and grimly.'

'Really?' said Ron in an obviously worried tone. He suddenly narrowed his eyes and this time successfully attempted to grab the book away from Harry. 'Let me see that,' he muttered; something caught his eye. 'Well I'll be a Muggle's uncle. "Ron die's horribly and grimly,"' he read out loud and slammed the book shut. 'I don't like the sound of that one bit, I'm sure the author likes me . . . er, in a none slash way . . . Oh, no, wait, here's your problem,' he pointed to something on the front cover. '"Plotlines for the fic by Professor Trelawney".'

'That was so predictable,' said Ginny wrinkling her nose up. 'That joke is too overused.'

'A bit like Lupin's clothes,' said Ron, 'as well as his briefcase.'

'And "Character X *cough Ron* is partnered with character Y *cough Hermione* to research love potions which eventually instigates them getting together" fics,' said Harry.

~*~

We no interrupt our scheduled fic to bring you a Slytherin political broadcast:

'Vote Slytherin or Crabbe and Goyle will sit on you.'

'Don't forget Pansy Parkinson!'

'Yeah, she'll sit on you too, Harry Potter!'

~*~

'Hmm,' said Harry, thoughtfully. 'That broadcast really spoke to me.'

'Oh yes please,' said Ron with a little enthusiasm. 'I am so single in this fic I actually wouldn't mind if Pansy sat on me as long as she wriggled . . . Or even Crabb-'

Suddenly, the common room painting flew open and a very angry looking Hermione stormed in.

'Great,' Harry muttered angrily under his breath. 'Now you've got Hermione back . . . Can't you just forget these slash comments? People are going to think you're gay, Ron.'

'Not me, they'll point the finger squarely at whomever wrote the script.'

[A/N: I would now like to valiantly defend my manhood and sexuality. In my defence, I will attempt to present to you, the jury . . . er, readers, slash comments of the f/f kind in a hope I will be cleared of these vicious and scandalous rumours. Furthermore I will send suggestive comments to all female feedbacker's to prove that I am indeed a hot-blooded, straight male. Thank you for your time.]

'Did you just make another slash comment, Ronald Weasley,' said Hermione with her arms akimbo in a look far to much like that of Professor McGonagall.

Ron shook his head emphatically. 'No, I wouldn't do that. You're the only person in my eyes Mione.'

Hermione shook with rage. 'Mione? How dare you make fun of my name. Ick, I can't believe I broke up with Draco to come and be with you . . .' Hermione's penetrating eyes searched the room looking for vengeance. 'That's it, now I've developed a crush on Harry Potter. See how you like that.'

A cheer escaped the H/Hr crowd.

Hermione's eyes flicked across to the source of the sound. 'Get them out of here,' she said bossily. 'They shouldn't be here.'

A protesting groan escaped the H/Hr crowd.

Looking up, Hermione noticed Harry sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room, with a book grasped in his hand. She stood for a moment just watching contently, his beautiful green eyes (A/N: remember, don't judge me, f/f slash coming.) darting from one word to the next. The way his jet-black hair fell messily around his face made her heart flutter. 'Oh Harry,' said Hermione, pompously before hugging him tightly. 'I'm so proud of you. Studying of your own accord.'

Harry didn't even look up from his book. 'Yeah, I just realised how much fun Divinations is!'

'Divination? That's ridiculous, Professor Trelawney is an idiot,' said Hermione. _'=System error 323: Insulting teacher . . . =Run system diagnostics,'_ she thought. 'Listen,' she said, changing the subject. 'Harry, I was wondering . . . if perhaps . . . if you'd like . . . See, the thing is . . .'

Harry looked up his green orbs locking onto Hermione. Hermione got a brief glimpse of "Fic plot" concealed inside the Divination book – in an obvious attempt at irony – before Harry shook his head sadly. 'Sorry Hermione, I can't fall for you until page 12. It says right here, in Professor Trelawney's book of storylines.'

'Damn that Professor Trelawney,' Hermione murmured, angrily. She stood up abruptly, knocking the chair she had been formerly sitting on to the floor. She turned her back to Harry so he wouldn't see the tears that glistened in her eyes. 'Oh Harry,' she sobbed. 'I need you though. I've always love you. It's always been you.'

A cheer escaped the H/Hr crowd.

'No you haven't, there's never been any clues that you have any feelings for me,' Harry protested. . . .

A protesting groan escaped the H/Hr crowd.

'Ooh, deja vu!'

A beam of red light was sent hurtling across the Gryffindor common room. 'Haven't I warned you about this deja vu thing?' someone shouted with rage.

. . . 'Yes, I have,' Hermione sighed. 'I just don't express my feelings very well.' 

A few of the H/Hr crowd nod in agreement.

'Well, you seem to express feelings to Ron.'

'No, people just misconstrue my hatred for sexual tension. Harry, you just have to read the signs . . . They're there, scattered throughout the book; the H/Hr crowd just have to have faith.'

'What about the H/G posse?' someone from the H/G posse blurted out. Hermione just ignored them; she was now a sworn enemy of the H/G posse. From out of nowhere, the H/Hr crowd appeared once again to "rumble" with the H/G posse whilst the H/C gang watched on knowingly. This rumbled would bring heavy casualties to both sides and then they would emerge as the dominant force in fanfiction especially if they could negotiate an alliance with either the R/Hr empire or the G/D alliance. 

'I'm sorry, Hermione,' Harry said heavily. 'I don't have feelings for you right now . . . if you'd just wait until page 7-'

'I thought it was page 12?'

'Yes,' said Harry, his eyes darted about shiftily. 'That's what I said. Page 7. Can you wait for me, Hermione?' He glanced down at the Divination book. 'Oh, how silly of me, it says right here you can't . . . Well, thanks a lot Hermione, can't even wait for me for a few more pages, shows how much you really love me.' With that, Harry stormed off red with rage.

'Harry wait,' Hermione called futilely. Harry just shouted back, "Why? You wouldn't wait for me," and disappeared behind the picture of the fat lady who was watching the scene unfold with a bag of popcorn in her hand.

'You know, you wouldn't be so fat if you didn't eat so much,' Hermione said maliciously. She wanted to make someone else hurt like she was. Why couldn't she just wait for Harry. Why couldn't she stay true to her feelings . . . why couldn't . . . wait, she hadn't done anything! Hermione made her way glumly to the girls dormitory. As she approached, she heard muffled sobs coming from one of the other girls dormitory's. _'Great, someone else in pain,'_ she thought happily, making her way to the source of the sound. A flash of red meant it was Ginny who was crying, and Hermione immediately felt regretful of her way of thinking. 

The younger girl was laying on her bed, her knees brought up tightly against her chest, sobs still escaping.

'Ginny,' said Hermione softly, watching the delicate form of the other girl. 'Ginny what's wrong.'

'You should know,' said Ginny, angrily. 'Just swooping in and taking Harry away from me. How could you? You know how I feel about him. You stole him from me.'

Hermione was slightly taken back by the conviction of Ginny's accusations. 'Oh,' she said. 'Would it help if I told you Harry never liked you?'

'A little,' Ginny sniffled.

'What about if I told you he really, really hates you? That he only wanted you for your body? That he'd only ever use you and your hero-worship of him to fuel his ever growing ego.'

'Yeah,' said Ginny, sniffling again. The redhead sat up, her eyes locking with Hermione's as a few stray tears ran a course down the side of her cheek. 'Yeah, that would help a lot.'

Hermione looked away, obviously in pain herself. 'I'm sorry, I can't say it.' 

Ginny looked crestfallen. 'Well, go on then . . . go take Harry.'

It was now Hermione's turn to look water-cress-fallen. 'He doesn't want me, he said . . . Oh the things he said! They were horrible,' she sobbed. The other girl comforted her, stroking her hair as Hermione attempted to explain. 'H-he said . . . he said he didn't fall for me until page 12.'

'Oh you poor thing,' Ginny cooed.

'That's not the worst of it,' Hermione sobbed in Ginny's shoulder. 'He changed it to page 7.'

Ginny tensed. 'He wouldn't?' she said, shocked. 'But that logic doesn't compute!'

Hermione leant back, her gaze once again met Ginny's. 'He did,' she whispered unable to brake the connection between them in that moment. It suddenly occurred to her how much they were alike . . . well, apart from different hair colours, and styles, and IQ's and years and origins and . . . 'Ginny,' she whispered closing the distance between them.

'...Yes,' Ginny whispered breathlessly. Their lips were just centimetres apart, each could feel the others uneven breath on themselves becoming more and more as with each second they inched closer, their mouths parting slightly.

'...Ginny...'

*BEEP*

There now follows a Hermione Granger imposed censor for a near slash moment. Under the Hermione Granger slash act of 2002, paragraph 7, section 3, subsection 2, near slash moments will not be permitted in this fic. Under this act is mandatory to adjust the content to remove any slash and create a more 'youth friendly' atmosphere. 

Much to the disappointment of the 15 year olds that write NC-17 fics there will be no NC-17 material in this fic that you can use as a template. It is suggested that you either A) Look elsewhere or B) Wait until you actually know what you're talking about before you write NC-17 fics. 

Instead of near slash moment Hermione has now realised she wanted a Weasley all along, but it's not Ginny: She's fallen for Ron. 

Ginny Weasley has once again begun pinning away for Harry but also waits Krum to serve his 7 year sentence at Azkaban. 

Harry has finally stopped sulking because the other children stole his Barbie doll – or was that me . . . er, no, I don't have a Barbie doll, really, I don't – and has realized he loves Hermione but does she love him? 

Find out when the fic resumes . . . Now!

Oh, no, wait, I meant . . . Now . . . or is it now . . . nope, it's now.

Oh wait, it's in chapter 2!

*BEEP*

End chapter 1.

Well, that's, er basically how it's gonna go until I decide to end it. Feedback is welcome, as are ideas of things to poke fun of: Give me a target people!

Oh, and if you're wondering why exactly I would write such an abomination, it's just to get back into writing. I haven't written anything in months and months and months . . . I need to get some sort of flow going. 

Sorry if I cause any offence; none intended. Chapter two should follow within the week. Big up yourselves. Later.


End file.
